It feels like its been centuries since i've updated this thing. So, just in case i forget i'm going to start documenting foods i apparently can no longer eat.

#1) Hard-boiled eggs. This is the only type of egg i've had since becoming pregnant and i know for sure now that i definitely need to stay away from them. You don't even want to know why...I think I'm afraid to try eggs cooked any sort of way too...what a shame!

#2) Popsicles. I hate that sometimes you can eat one type of food over and over and over and then one day it makes you really sick...apparently popsicles have done that to me now. Also, what a shame. :(

#3) Apple juice. Yet again, you really don't want to know why. Ughhh..so sad because I get so thirsty and really want apple juice...Gatorade and Water get boring after a while.

I hope that I really don't have to add anything else to this list. It's not fun feeling fine all night and then getting up in the middle of the night because you're sick. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

I'm around 9 weeks and some-odd days now, and I notice that things are changing physically...finally. It's crazy. I can't believe i'm so close to the second trimester, and with that second trimester I hope all this lovely nausea disappears. I feel my energy is coming back during the day, I just have a really hard time waking up in the morning. But then again I was never too terribly bothered with exhaustion. I have no problems with taking naps whenever :)

Well I guess that's all, maybe next post i'll have another belly picture.

Today feels much better..about as good as it can possibly get while still feeling tired and just plain blehhh. Though now im just sad because Dax is at work all day and won't be home til around midnight, if we're lucky. All my family is out of town visiting my grandparents in san antonio. What a sad, lonely depressing weekend! We couldn't go because 1) we couldn't afford to 2) it would be impossible for Dax to get off work this weekend 3) now that i'm pregnant with such a sensitive stomach i doubt i would be able to sit in a car for 5 hours without getting carsick.

BOO!

I feel like i've had nothing happy to say about being pregnant!! haha thats just sad...
but as always i do have more to complain about!!

As you may or may not know...Pregnancy and Irritability tend to go hand in hand..and right now i can't help but feel NOTHING but irritable about the slightest most insignificant things. But then there are some things that actually do kind of matter that i feel i have every right to be irritable about!

EXAMPLE:

Dax's dad has a girlfriend. This girlfriends name is..well, let's call her "Girl"...Girl is i think, 36, and has 3 kids who are the ages of 12, 8, and 6. I, along with my awesome sister-in-law and my lovely husband tend to have a problem with the way these kids are raised and just the way they are in general. ANYWAYS, when dax's dad called to congratulate me he was talking about how Girl said she was too young to be a grandma but they were all really happy and excited and the kids can't wait to be aunts and an uncle.

Um, I'm sorry...what??

We've met those kids THREE freaking times...They aren't legally related to us in any way, shape or form..and we have no personal connection with those kids whatsoever. I'm sorry but i will NOT be referring to them as our childs Aunts and Uncles...that is just plain ridiculous. And as far as i'm concerned this baby will only have 2 grandmas...My mom and Susan!!! Unless his dad ends up marrying this person than i guess She will have to be considered their Grandma legally..but man...I think its a bit much to be letting the kids say they're going to have a neice or nephew. I told dax this via text and he laughed and agreed and said he needs to figure out how to tell his dad to cool it with those kids...He's waaay too far invovled in their lives and waay not involved in his ACTUAL children's lives.

Buhhh...Like i said or maybe i haven't said it..This all seems to be magnified by the fact that I'm highly irritable right now and under normal circumstances i probably would get irked and then shrug it off. But this is our baby we're talking about..I'm sorry if i'm already being over protective...its just how it is.

But it feels like by them calling themselves that, i feel like the actual aunts and uncles are, i don't know, being...oh crap i can't think of what it is i'm trying to say...you know...like their roles aren't going to seem as special now since these kids put themselves into the same category...does that work? Now, don't get me wrong...there are a few select people who we will be handing out the aunt and uncle card to who aren't actual family members, but those people have earned it...And i know that my sisters and sister-in-law would gladly share their titles with these few select people...because they also know and love these people like we do!!! I think what his dad should be focusing on is how my sister-in-law is ACTUALLY going to get to be a REAL aunt for the first time ever with this sweet little baby. He should be waaay more excited about his real child becoming an aunt, not some kids he thinks he needs to raise now.

I don't know, it's inevitable that there will be drama when new families come together like this, but i take comfort in knowing that i'm not the only one that feels this way...

(Now i have to sit back and hope that when my father-in-law comes to see his first grandbaby that the rest of his new family doesn't come along for the ride too...ughhhh)

a rant.

Today is just one of those days...if you know what i mean. Where you can do nothing but literally HATE everyone and everything...and most particularly for me, myself and my life. I hate feeling this way and i really have no idea why i do feel this way every so often..but, i feel like its magnified this time aroud.

Like, right now, i haaaate that it seems like everyone else's lives are soo much cooler and better and they're getting to do all sorts of fun and adventurous things without having to really worry about money or time or whatever. ughhhh it's so ridiculous. i wanted to become a totally different person before we decided to have kids, and well clearly that won't be happening now. i feel like i'm always going to be stuck as this lame person that i will always hate. i just hate hate hate everything right now and feel like nothing is fair. why can't i be one of the lucky ones that get to do whatever they want with their lives?

I hate that i feel like i am never going to find a career or job that i really truly care about and love doing..and now that there's a baby on the way to be more concerned with, i feel like that's really never going to happen because i'm going to have to settle for doing some stupid job that i hate just to help put food on the table. and i'll never be able to get out of that because that never happens for anyone.

And it's even more frustrating because i have no one to talk about this with...Anyone that i would want to try and explain this to wouldn't understand because they are no where near being in the same situation as me. Today feels like it's impossible to figure out how to transition from being someone with people to actually hang out with..to being someone with a boyfriend and everyone starts abandoning you because they think you will abandon them first...to being someone engaged and married and REALLY having no friends because none of your friends "get" it...to now being married and pregnant with no life at all and no one to talk to or cry to that will really care or understand. Right now at this current moment, i quite literally hate the way my life has turned out. And there really is no way to say this and let it be known that i don't mean it as awful as it sounds.

survey time

i found a survey online for pregnant ladies...yay!


About the mommy.
Name: Sara
Age: 23
Is this the first child?: yes!

About the daddy.
Name: Dax
Age: 24
Is this the first child?: heck yes!

Finding out.
What day did you find out you were pregnant?: sept. 26th

How did you feel when you found out?: soooo freaking shocked...i can't even really explain it.

Who was with you?: dax..and the doctor haha

How did the daddy react?: i dont even remember, i was in too much shock to pay attention to him

Telling the grandparents.
How did you parents react?: my mom yelled i knew it and went crazy hugging me and was super happy

How did his parents react?: really surprised, she couldn't tell if we were joking or not because of the way dax told her.

How often do they call to check on you?: everyday pretty much

About the pregnancy.
When is your due date?: don't have an actual due date from a doctor but i'm guessing around may 24th

How far along are you right now?: about 7 weeks

Have you had an ultra sound?: no :(

Have you heard the heartbeat?: no :(

Sex of the baby.

What do you want. Boy or Girl?: it doesn't matter to me right now

Do you know what you are having now?: haha no its too early

Are you happy with what you are having?: well i'm having a baby, so yes haha

About the birth.

Who is going to be with you?: i hope all our families and friends come, but they sure as hell won't be in the room...gross!!!

Are you going to video tape it?: yuck...no way

Natural or medicated?: medicated!!

Do you think you will have a c-section?: i hope not

Do you think you will cry when you first hold your baby?: ohhh god, i'm going to be such a baby haha

Do you know what you will say to the baby when you first hold it?: haven't even thought about it

Are you scared about the labor?: a little

Names.
Do you have a name picked out?: we have a few, but nothing certain yet.

Is your baby going to be named after anyone?: not that i know of yet

Did the daddy help pick the name?: of course

Other random questions.

Where was your baby concieved?: haha..in our bed..sickos

Have you felt the baby move?: no but i can't wait for that

What was your first symptom?: horrible horrible nausea

Will you have godparents?: haven't talked about it

Who will be the god mommy?: ??

Who will be the god daddy?: ??

What is the babys room theme?: depends on what it is

Are you ready to be a mommy?: well, if not...it's too late now!

What do you think the baby will be a "daddys girl/boy" or a "mommys girl/boy"?: ohh man i have nooo idea.

Mamos

My mom stopped by tonight to drop off my hospital birth certificate in case i needed it for medicaid crap. Of course, being a mother, she was concerned about her baby not feeling well enough to eat/not really having any food i wanted..and now she's even more concerned since her baby is having a baby. But this is to be expected with Mamos. So she went next door to the grocery store and picked up saltines (i can eat those no problem, mmm) and chicken noodle soup (i have been wanting it so bad) and popsicles (cause every now and then i really want something COLD) i automatically feel better now that i've eaten half a package of saltines. I hadn't eaten anything today except a couple of pieces of watermelon which was not as delicious as i was hoping it to be. and a biscuit with jelly. neither of those things satisfied my hunger.

Anyways, the moral of the story is..i feel i never can get too old to come have my mom take care of me..and sometimes you just need your mom. Any time i've been sick since i've moved away from home, my mom always comes and brings me something to eat and makes sure i feel better...sometimes she'll even clean my apt for me. what a crazy woman. as much as dax is a great husband and tries to take care of me the best he can, it'll always be my mom that can take care of me the best. after all she's done it for 23 years now. I hope i'm that good of a Mamo when my baby is all grown up...

Told the family today

Went to my mom's today to tell the family..they were all crazy excited and said they knew..or suspected it...whatever. I feel super shitty today, i haven't eaten anything in 2 days. TWO DAYS! that's far too long to go without any food. If i'm not going to feel better until the second trimester i still have over a month to feel like this. I have no idea how me and a baby are supposed to survive on no food.

We've been waiting for a week to receive the results of my blood work so that can be our proof that i'm pregnant for medicaid...i finally got something in the mail today and all it said was to call and make an appointment due to abnormal labs...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!? i mean, seriously??!? do they know who they're telling this to? A super scared, worrying, first time mom...you can't just send something off and make them wait for a stupid appointment. I have a million things going through my head..what could be so abnormal that they need to me to come all the way back there?!? and what is even considered abnormal??? ughhhh i got so worried earlier that i could do nothing but cry. Since i have no idea what to think or expect i feel like i should no longer continue to get attached to this baby in fear that it may be gone just as fast as it came. I know its awful to think that way...but when you're constantly worried about losing your baby to begin with, it's impossible not to worry more when you hear something is abnormal.

I'm afraid i have to end this one here because i can't continue writing with something so heavy weighing on my mind.

Wish us luck..or whatever.

so FREAKIN' tired

You would think that i haven't slept in days when in fact i actually slept very well last night but apparently thats not enough for me right now. I haven't done anything today except walk down to Quizno's in the Town Center (which i couldn't eat because i felt so sick) and i came home and slept for like 4 hours. Ughhhh..this is so frustrating. I'm so tired of being so exhausted and nauseous that i just want to cry right now. I know that it'll get better soon (or atleast i hope!) and in the end it'll be totally worth it because there will be a sweet little baby to love..but man...it's so hard to see the big picture right now when all i can think about is passing back out and how much i wish i could just eat something.

Also, i don't know if this is just my imagination or if it's an actual "symptom" of pregnancy..but my vision has gotten so bad..i can't ever focus on anything. My vision is so blurry now and i just got new glasses in july...What the heck man.

I know i've said this a million times already but what i wouldn't give to be able to just eat something. Chinese food sounds so good..but only if its already in my belly. I don't know if that makes any sense or not but the thought of putting any food in my mouth grosses me out..yet i'm craving food. THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL!!!!

AGHHHHHHHH!!!

I think everything just feels magnified because Dax closed 3 nights this week. and i've always hated when he has to close. He's gone sooo long and i'm soo lonely without him. I just want him home with me, and i know he feels the same way...though i dont think he really understands how bad i feel and i'm very sure he's tired of hearing me complain. oops :(

Our apt is a complete disaster right now. I've had zero energy to do anything even though i'm sitting here 5 days a week...and when i'm not tired i'm too nauseous to stand and do the dishes or vaccuum up the mounds of chewy fur that accumulates so easily. I swear our apt looks disgusting...

Last night we stayed up talking, which never happens..Dax is the type of person to come home and watch too many tv shows on dvd and then just go to bed..that's usually fine with me but sometimes i've just had enough and just want to actually talk. So i made sure we only watched one episode of Grey's Anatomy and we went and laid in bed and talked about baby..and baby names. Though it wasn't long before i got overly irritated at all his dumb jokes about baby names. I usually just roll my eyes whenever he says goofy things but i've been so irritable lately that now he's just making me angry!! Anyways, we really have no idea what to name the baby..and its girls names that we were struggling with the most. I love classic "old lady" names and he says they're too old ladyish...I don't think we'll ever decide! You never realize how hard it really is to name your child whenever you're not pregnant and just think oh i really like this name for my future child...You have to actually find a name you both love and then you have to think, crap, do i really want my child to be known as this for the rest of their lives. There really is a lot in a name...

GUH, i keep smelling the off-brand of Fruity Pebbles...though we don't even have those!! I hate getting mystery smells in my nose..it's so gross

Well, yet again i guess i've complained enough about how i feel..but really...as much as i've complained in these 3 posts, it's no where near as bad as i really feel. Does that make sense? Who cares, nothing makes sense in the mush brain i have now.

morning sickness, contd.

about 6 weeks...not showing yet of course, just a little fat :)
I swear that this is the worst i've felt since I've found out the reason i've been so crummy. I tried eating a bowl of cereal this morning and got a few bites in and had to stop. I thought if i just tried to force feed myself i'd feel better once i ate since that's how its been so far...definitely has not been the case today! boo! i had a peppermint or two (thats been the only thing that can calm my stomach down) and later on tried to eat some spaghetti. Got even less into that and stopped because the taste of peppermint and spaghetti almost killed me with nausea! I dont think i've ever been so close to throwing up without actually throwing up. blehhh

Now its close to 7pm and i'm not even halfway through a bowl of ramen that i started at 6:15. This is just sad, and terribly frustrating. If i don't eat anything my stomach BURNS and CHURNS for hours on end...and usually if i force myself to eat alot of something i feel really good for a few hours. But i just can't stomach anything today...i really hate this. I have jury duty in 5 days, i have no idea how i'll be able to sit through that...

I've been reading alot of community boards on Babycenter.com and it automatically bumped me into the May 2009 Babies board when i calculated my due date on the site. It's nice hearing from women who are the same weeks pregnant as me and knowing that they're having identical symptoms...atleast i know i'm not the only one suffering!

Alot of them go for their first ultrasounds here in the next few weeks, so i know i'm not missing out on anything since i'm sure if i had a doctor they wouldn't do one yet either. Too early still...but I wish we could hurry up and get stupid temporary medicaid so i can actually find a doctor and get an appt planned and whatnot. It would be nice to hear from an actual doctor what they say my real due date is..instead of just me going by what i'm having to guess. But i guess there are worse things to worry about.

I've lost about 5 pounds from not being able to eat so my pants have technically been fitting a little looser, however, i've been so dang bloated that they feel like i've eaten a huge meal and they make my stomach hurt...so even though they're bigger i've still had to sit around with my pants undone to feel slightly more comfortable. It really is unbelievable how a little tiny baby changes EVERYTHING going on in your body. crazy baby!

My heart has been pounding a lot harder too, but thats just from extra bloodflow for baby...still it feels weird having your heart beat like crazy and you're just sitting on the couch. Guys really don't understand how lucky they are that their bodies never do crazy things like this!

I've been feeling this weird tightness on the lower right side of my abdomen. Like its constantly full of pressure and its super uncomfortable. I don't really know what it could mean at all because i haven't read about anyone having something like this. It tends to only really happen in the evenings and around bed time, which is even more strange. I'm really worried it could be an ectopic pregnancy since the symptoms tend to kind of fit in the category, which makes me all the more anxious to get an ob/gyn asap. If it is, it could rupture and cause damage i dont even want to think of, and of course if it is and is caught early enough there is the sad fact that this pregnancy would have to end... :(

Well i guess this is enough rambling for one evening...We plan on telling our families on Saturday. So of course I will update on how that goes!