You really are. You're incredibly picky some days. Before you came into my life I would rule the grocery shopping experience by telling Daddy that "no, we can't get white bread! it's so bad for you...whole grain wheat only!" and "no, don't get this kind of juice, it's got high fructose corn syrup...buy this fancy organic kind instead." and many other things along those lines. Then I got pregnant with you and I swear you made me have the same stomach as your Daddy. I only wanted to eat the things less nutritious for you..and I could never say no to a sugary snack. I've eaten so much sugar with you i swear you may come out with a glaze of pure sugar! Mmm, delicious!!
Now that i've been feeling better all around i've reaquired my taste for healthier options, but there are still some things that gross me out. That makes me sad. Oh well, it won't be long before I become the whole grain-only, high fructose corn syrup-free, artificial sweetener-free nazi again.
Also, I wish you would stop waking me up really early because you're hungry. You're going to do this enough once you're born, and since you're not born right now you being hungry means i'm hungry. Which means I have to feed myself, and when mommy is really tired from not being comfortable enough to sleep, she really has no desire to search the kitchen frantically, in the dark, to find something satisfying and easy just so she can go back to sleep.
Mommy also doesn't appreciate you kicking her when she lays on her stomach. This is the only way mommy can really get comfortable and when she can't even lay that way because you don't want her to, she gets very angry and frustrated because she's just so tired and wants to rest.
Well, alright baby...This is really all I wanted to say. When Daddy gets home we're probably going to talk about what we're going to name you, for the millionth time.
Love you.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
To our little growing ball of preciousness
Dear Baby Girl,
Today, history was made. Our 44th President was inaugurated, and for the first time in my life as a knowledgeable person of society, I was proud to be American. For the first time I cared enough to watch on my own time as our first African-American President was inaugurated and the people of our country breathed a sigh of relief. Possibly, even people around the world felt this too.
I sat here with our laptop just below my belly, where you stay so nestled and warm, and choked back tears watching the live coverage of history in the making. Our history. The history you will one day go to school to learn all about and you'll come home and i'll tell you all about how you were just a mere 22 weeks along in the process of becoming another member of society. And how you sat perfectly still during the entire proceedings (which you never do, by the way) as if you were listening to your first president make a beautiful and momentous speech, addressing his country with love and hope. And how after all of this, you started bounching around and kicking with such fervor that I thought you must've already known how important this day was. That you wanted to sit still and listen to him, drink in what he had to say..and then rejoice along with the rest of the country when it was said and done.
I hope one day that you will understand how important is it for me to bring you into a country that's starting anew, right now, today. One that's finally saving the world for you and your future generations. One that you can grow up in and be proud to say that Barack Obama was president when you were born.
Love,
Mommy
Today, history was made. Our 44th President was inaugurated, and for the first time in my life as a knowledgeable person of society, I was proud to be American. For the first time I cared enough to watch on my own time as our first African-American President was inaugurated and the people of our country breathed a sigh of relief. Possibly, even people around the world felt this too.
I sat here with our laptop just below my belly, where you stay so nestled and warm, and choked back tears watching the live coverage of history in the making. Our history. The history you will one day go to school to learn all about and you'll come home and i'll tell you all about how you were just a mere 22 weeks along in the process of becoming another member of society. And how you sat perfectly still during the entire proceedings (which you never do, by the way) as if you were listening to your first president make a beautiful and momentous speech, addressing his country with love and hope. And how after all of this, you started bounching around and kicking with such fervor that I thought you must've already known how important this day was. That you wanted to sit still and listen to him, drink in what he had to say..and then rejoice along with the rest of the country when it was said and done.
I hope one day that you will understand how important is it for me to bring you into a country that's starting anew, right now, today. One that's finally saving the world for you and your future generations. One that you can grow up in and be proud to say that Barack Obama was president when you were born.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, January 17, 2009
baby girl andress
so, i had my ultrasound on thursday and the tech said he was pretty positive it's a girl! let's hope he's right!!
and for now, baby's first pictures!
and for now, baby's first pictures!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
babies babies, everywhere
There's seriously a baby epidemic going on!!! If i was an epidemiologist i would declare this as a real epidemic!! in fact, i may actually become one just to do it, and then get fired..but it'll be okay because i just wanted to declare that one epidemic!
But seriously, EVERYONE is having babies all of a sudden! Let's count off how many people i know, or sort of know, or know by association that's suddenly expecting...
1.ME
2.my friend melissa's older sister is due like a week before me.
3.my friend ricky's older sister is due in august.
4.dax's aunt is due in june.
5.this guy dax knows is engaged and having a baby like a week before me.
6.dax's friend from hot topic and his wife are having one too, but i dont know when.
7.one of dax's friends from abilene is pregnant and getting married soon.
8.brian and sara are having another baby
9.a friend of the family's daughter is expecting as well.
10.kelly's sister is pregnant now.
11.one of dax's mom's friend's daughters is pregnant too.
12. i just found out my cousin's wife is pregnant as well!
hmm...i think that's it i feel like i'm leaving someone out...but seriously! that's way too many people to know that are all of a sudden having babies. how crazy!
But seriously, EVERYONE is having babies all of a sudden! Let's count off how many people i know, or sort of know, or know by association that's suddenly expecting...
1.ME
2.my friend melissa's older sister is due like a week before me.
3.my friend ricky's older sister is due in august.
4.dax's aunt is due in june.
5.this guy dax knows is engaged and having a baby like a week before me.
6.dax's friend from hot topic and his wife are having one too, but i dont know when.
7.one of dax's friends from abilene is pregnant and getting married soon.
8.brian and sara are having another baby
9.a friend of the family's daughter is expecting as well.
10.kelly's sister is pregnant now.
11.one of dax's mom's friend's daughters is pregnant too.
12. i just found out my cousin's wife is pregnant as well!
hmm...i think that's it i feel like i'm leaving someone out...but seriously! that's way too many people to know that are all of a sudden having babies. how crazy!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
pregnancy dreams
We've all heard how being pregnant can make you have some truly bizarre dreams. I honestly have no idea why, but it's sometimes fun to have them, especially for me because normally i very very rarely get to remember my dreams. Except for a while i was having a series of dreams where Dax was constantly hitting on/seeing his ex girlfriend and doing it right in front of me! ugh, those dreams were awful. anyways...
Last night I had a bad dream. At first it took place in what looked alot like my old neighborhood/street. I can't remember who now, but someone in my dream came up and told me about this woman who lived in our neighborhood was going around out streets with like a clipboard or something and was asking neighbors questions and then at the end she would stab them like right in the center of their bodies, basically right at the top of where your stomach starts. It was insane! I was at this persons house when they told me this and I had to walk back to my house (which was my old house btw) and I remember that I was never really walking in my dream..but rather floating along but yet i was kind of bouncing as if i were skipping. I remember going really slow too and thinking in my dream how I wished I could hurry up because I passed that murdering neighbor on my way home. I never made it to my old house I don't think..but now that I think about it I remember being there at some point but I dont remember what happened. Anyways the next thing I remember is that I was apparently at my friend Aubrey's house (i've known her since i was 11 and she played soccer) and there were a bunch of other girls hanging around as if it were a locker room...and then the murdering neighbor lady suddenly was there, but she was no longer the clipboard-toting woman from before...She had transformed into one of the girls basketball coaches from my high school..only here in the dream she was the soccer coach. Yet in my dream I didn't think she wasn't the right woman..I just knew that now this was how the murderer looked. And I was leaning over Aubrey while she sat at a computer and was telling her about how she's killing people and not to trust her and stuff. Then the next thing I remember is I'm at a different house which is apparently one of my aunt's houses and my cousin Michele is there and she's telling me how it's our Aunt Rosie who is murdering people this same way. So yet again the "murderer" in my dream has transformed into someone completely different. I remember being this little back room area at the house and there was an extra fridge back there and my cousin had stocked it full of frozen casseroles she had made and had stuck a piece of paper to the fridge labeling them "Blonde Bitch" so everyone would know they were hers. Why blonde bitch? Don't ask me, my cousin is certainly not blonde. And at some point right after that my aunt found out we were talking about her and then my alarm went off...So I can't really remember what else may have happened or if anything else did happen at all. It literally was the most scary/bizarre dream i've ever had. I remember waking up and feeling a little afraid...
I know how some of those things came into play though..Like the old coach from my school, I guess she was in my dream because I keep seeing her picture on facebook because of this girl I know is friends with her and always has pictures of her and her baby up...and my Aunt because my sister was talking about her yesterday...and "blonde bitch" because we were watching house and they call one of the girls cutthroat bitch..and she's blonde...but everything else is a big mystery. It's really crazy the way our brains work while were sleeping. A little too crazy for my liking too. Oh yea at some point I also had a dream that dax got fired from his job and he was crying..but I don't believe it was part of that long scary dream. It was very sad though.
Last night I had a bad dream. At first it took place in what looked alot like my old neighborhood/street. I can't remember who now, but someone in my dream came up and told me about this woman who lived in our neighborhood was going around out streets with like a clipboard or something and was asking neighbors questions and then at the end she would stab them like right in the center of their bodies, basically right at the top of where your stomach starts. It was insane! I was at this persons house when they told me this and I had to walk back to my house (which was my old house btw) and I remember that I was never really walking in my dream..but rather floating along but yet i was kind of bouncing as if i were skipping. I remember going really slow too and thinking in my dream how I wished I could hurry up because I passed that murdering neighbor on my way home. I never made it to my old house I don't think..but now that I think about it I remember being there at some point but I dont remember what happened. Anyways the next thing I remember is that I was apparently at my friend Aubrey's house (i've known her since i was 11 and she played soccer) and there were a bunch of other girls hanging around as if it were a locker room...and then the murdering neighbor lady suddenly was there, but she was no longer the clipboard-toting woman from before...She had transformed into one of the girls basketball coaches from my high school..only here in the dream she was the soccer coach. Yet in my dream I didn't think she wasn't the right woman..I just knew that now this was how the murderer looked. And I was leaning over Aubrey while she sat at a computer and was telling her about how she's killing people and not to trust her and stuff. Then the next thing I remember is I'm at a different house which is apparently one of my aunt's houses and my cousin Michele is there and she's telling me how it's our Aunt Rosie who is murdering people this same way. So yet again the "murderer" in my dream has transformed into someone completely different. I remember being this little back room area at the house and there was an extra fridge back there and my cousin had stocked it full of frozen casseroles she had made and had stuck a piece of paper to the fridge labeling them "Blonde Bitch" so everyone would know they were hers. Why blonde bitch? Don't ask me, my cousin is certainly not blonde. And at some point right after that my aunt found out we were talking about her and then my alarm went off...So I can't really remember what else may have happened or if anything else did happen at all. It literally was the most scary/bizarre dream i've ever had. I remember waking up and feeling a little afraid...
I know how some of those things came into play though..Like the old coach from my school, I guess she was in my dream because I keep seeing her picture on facebook because of this girl I know is friends with her and always has pictures of her and her baby up...and my Aunt because my sister was talking about her yesterday...and "blonde bitch" because we were watching house and they call one of the girls cutthroat bitch..and she's blonde...but everything else is a big mystery. It's really crazy the way our brains work while were sleeping. A little too crazy for my liking too. Oh yea at some point I also had a dream that dax got fired from his job and he was crying..but I don't believe it was part of that long scary dream. It was very sad though.
Monday, January 12, 2009
UGH.
today should be an awesome and good day, it was at first. I found out I can go to my appointment tomorrow, and I have an appointment to get on WIC at the end of the month. I was ecstatic up until i finished reading the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I already knew 98% of what i was reading..but having to really sit down and face these things and having realizations fucking sucks ass.
So now i sit here crying, because I don't want to let go of the "woman" i've been since i've hit puberty. (I'm totally only meaning it in the physical sense) I don't want to change and become worse or uglier, I have a hard enough time now and before i was pregnant dealing with my body in a sexual sense. Ive never thought i was attractive or was ready and eager to strip down naked...I hate my body and don't like anyone looking at it, especially not my own husband. Stupid? probably, ridiculous? of course..but this is just who i am...There isn't anyway to fix that..or atleast not without the help of a really good therapist maybe. I don't know why i've been this way but I have a feeling its not going to get any better when my body changes for the worse, for good.
It's not fair that things down there just won't ever be like they used to..they'll be used and awful and i'm determined to make Dax understand that whether he wants to believe it or not. It's not fair that my poor nipples are never going to go back to their previous coloring, I knew they'd get darker during pregnancy, but no one told me they'd stay that way forever. I'm disgusted by them now...I hate taking my shirt off to get in the shower or change...I won't even let dax turn the light on to see me because i swear he'll be just as disgusted as me, and why shouldn't he? i'm becoming a mother...there's nothing attractive about mothers. I don't feel like i'm going to be his young wife that he thinks is hot, i now just associate pregnancy and being a mother with being old and flabby..everywhere. It's not fair, why can't any part of his sexuality change? Why is it that i'm the one that has to become even more fucking hideous. It's not like i ever had a hot body to begin with, but now it's just going to be the worst its ever been and i don't know why he would ever be attracted to that. If i had really sat down and thought about what would happen to me during this whole ordeal, i can guarantee you i would've had my uterus taken out years ago.
Sure it'll be worth it in the end when we have an awesome baby..but that baby is going to do nothing to help my already suffering self-esteem and i didn't want this in the first place so a baby is not really a selling point for me. it's hard not to think that he could just go off and be way more easily turned on by the mounds of exgirlfriends he has that are already way better looking than me..and haven't shoved anything from their privates so their's are still nicely intact and attractive. I really hope something comes up, and i end up having a c-section. i'm not womanly or brave enough to deal with a loose vagina for the rest of my life, and having to constantly wonder if my husband is just telling me its still good just because he's being nice.
I want to find a book on pregnancy that's going to denounce what all these other books and articles say..that my nipples will return to normal, and that my boobs will definitely go back to exactly the way they were..and my vagina and its surrounding bits and pieces will be none the wiser that anything will have happened to them...or that any change will be so slight that it'll be impossible for yourself or especially your husband to notice the difference. When i bought the girlfriend's guice to pregnancy the girl at the register said it was the best pregnancy book..what she failed to mention was that it was the best at psyching you out and making you sit here and cry because it lets you in on all the awful things that WILL undoubtedly happen to you and that there's nothing you can do about it. I don't know whether or not i would've wanted to be filled in on these "enlightenments" or have been left in the dark to hopefully not notice them and end up dwelling on them for the next 45 years.
So now i sit here crying, because I don't want to let go of the "woman" i've been since i've hit puberty. (I'm totally only meaning it in the physical sense) I don't want to change and become worse or uglier, I have a hard enough time now and before i was pregnant dealing with my body in a sexual sense. Ive never thought i was attractive or was ready and eager to strip down naked...I hate my body and don't like anyone looking at it, especially not my own husband. Stupid? probably, ridiculous? of course..but this is just who i am...There isn't anyway to fix that..or atleast not without the help of a really good therapist maybe. I don't know why i've been this way but I have a feeling its not going to get any better when my body changes for the worse, for good.
It's not fair that things down there just won't ever be like they used to..they'll be used and awful and i'm determined to make Dax understand that whether he wants to believe it or not. It's not fair that my poor nipples are never going to go back to their previous coloring, I knew they'd get darker during pregnancy, but no one told me they'd stay that way forever. I'm disgusted by them now...I hate taking my shirt off to get in the shower or change...I won't even let dax turn the light on to see me because i swear he'll be just as disgusted as me, and why shouldn't he? i'm becoming a mother...there's nothing attractive about mothers. I don't feel like i'm going to be his young wife that he thinks is hot, i now just associate pregnancy and being a mother with being old and flabby..everywhere. It's not fair, why can't any part of his sexuality change? Why is it that i'm the one that has to become even more fucking hideous. It's not like i ever had a hot body to begin with, but now it's just going to be the worst its ever been and i don't know why he would ever be attracted to that. If i had really sat down and thought about what would happen to me during this whole ordeal, i can guarantee you i would've had my uterus taken out years ago.
Sure it'll be worth it in the end when we have an awesome baby..but that baby is going to do nothing to help my already suffering self-esteem and i didn't want this in the first place so a baby is not really a selling point for me. it's hard not to think that he could just go off and be way more easily turned on by the mounds of exgirlfriends he has that are already way better looking than me..and haven't shoved anything from their privates so their's are still nicely intact and attractive. I really hope something comes up, and i end up having a c-section. i'm not womanly or brave enough to deal with a loose vagina for the rest of my life, and having to constantly wonder if my husband is just telling me its still good just because he's being nice.
I want to find a book on pregnancy that's going to denounce what all these other books and articles say..that my nipples will return to normal, and that my boobs will definitely go back to exactly the way they were..and my vagina and its surrounding bits and pieces will be none the wiser that anything will have happened to them...or that any change will be so slight that it'll be impossible for yourself or especially your husband to notice the difference. When i bought the girlfriend's guice to pregnancy the girl at the register said it was the best pregnancy book..what she failed to mention was that it was the best at psyching you out and making you sit here and cry because it lets you in on all the awful things that WILL undoubtedly happen to you and that there's nothing you can do about it. I don't know whether or not i would've wanted to be filled in on these "enlightenments" or have been left in the dark to hopefully not notice them and end up dwelling on them for the next 45 years.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
jumping belly beans
Baby has been moving quite abundantly lately. I mean ALOT. I can lay on the couch and watch my stomach jump around all over the place. It's crazy and sometimes it moves so hard it's hard not to laugh cause it's just so strange. Even the past few days as soon as I wake up, there's baby kicking and stretching too. I know it's not awake while i'm in the process of waking up because those subtle kicks and jabs while i'm barely asleep would surely wake me up for good...so I don't know how it knows when i'm awake. But it's kinda cute to think about, it knows i'm awake and wants to start it's day too.
My insurance card has yet to come in the mail, so if it doesn't come on Monday i'm completely screwed. This means I'll have to cancel yet another appointment. So damn lame. Plus Dax has already taken off of work and I don't know how easy it would be to be able to change it back so he won't have to work on Saturday instead.
I've noticed i'm becoming more nauseated again off and on...I don't like it or appreciate it one bit. I have no idea why it's there either, but it sucks ass. It took us 2 hours to get home from Dallas because being a passenger in the car just about killed me. We finally tried me driving home and it worked. Last time I got that bad driving didn't help at all, but sitting behind Dax across the backseat was what helped. It makes me want to never drive anywhere too far away again.
Tomorrow i'm going to call about getting on WIC, that should be neat. On their website it said that anyone that already qualifies for Medicaid and things like that automatically meets the requirements for WIC, so that's good. And, they can help you get into other programs too, which would be beneficial for when we try to figure out how to apply for baby's medicaid.
So it looks like my baby shower is going to be on Sunday April 5th. We just need to get the clubhouse reserved for that day. I wish our apartments had one to rent out, all we could rent out is the outdoor fire pit, and we're not doing that...
I started making the invitations the other day- Cute brown felt birds with yellow stitching on cream cardstock. I think they look quite precious and I'm quite proud of the way they've turned out. I just need to figure out what the inside will look like and hope I don't screw them up.
Well, I guess this is about all the news and updates I have for now. Chewy and I need to eat breakfast. Let's hope I can go to my appointment on Tuesday, because I really need it.
My insurance card has yet to come in the mail, so if it doesn't come on Monday i'm completely screwed. This means I'll have to cancel yet another appointment. So damn lame. Plus Dax has already taken off of work and I don't know how easy it would be to be able to change it back so he won't have to work on Saturday instead.
I've noticed i'm becoming more nauseated again off and on...I don't like it or appreciate it one bit. I have no idea why it's there either, but it sucks ass. It took us 2 hours to get home from Dallas because being a passenger in the car just about killed me. We finally tried me driving home and it worked. Last time I got that bad driving didn't help at all, but sitting behind Dax across the backseat was what helped. It makes me want to never drive anywhere too far away again.
Tomorrow i'm going to call about getting on WIC, that should be neat. On their website it said that anyone that already qualifies for Medicaid and things like that automatically meets the requirements for WIC, so that's good. And, they can help you get into other programs too, which would be beneficial for when we try to figure out how to apply for baby's medicaid.
So it looks like my baby shower is going to be on Sunday April 5th. We just need to get the clubhouse reserved for that day. I wish our apartments had one to rent out, all we could rent out is the outdoor fire pit, and we're not doing that...
I started making the invitations the other day- Cute brown felt birds with yellow stitching on cream cardstock. I think they look quite precious and I'm quite proud of the way they've turned out. I just need to figure out what the inside will look like and hope I don't screw them up.
Well, I guess this is about all the news and updates I have for now. Chewy and I need to eat breakfast. Let's hope I can go to my appointment on Tuesday, because I really need it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
feelin' crafty...
So basically, since the moment i've found out I was pregnant I've had my baby shower theme picked out and have been getting all sorts of ideas for invitation designs. I wanted to design and make my own because there aren't many easily accessible, unique baby shower invitations out there, and anywhere you go they're basically all the same-pink or blue. Since i'm not the type of gal that settles for basics and typicals, I let my creative side take over. Well, what little bit of a creative side I have, that is. All along i've had it in my head that I want the colors to be dark chocolate brown with an antique-ish golden yellow...there's really no other way to explain that color and i'm awful at remembering good color names. Oh, and I also decided it must be bird-themed. In my head the whole thing has a very vintage feel to it.
I also figure I won't have to spend much on making the invitations because we have plenty of the brown paper leftover from our wedding invitations..all we'd really need is paper to put the rest of it together..and perhaps another package of envelopes considering I have lots of those left over too. I've been having the same image of what the invitations would look like for quite some time..and considering the only tool I really have is an exacto knife, it would be incredibly difficult to undertake such a detailed project. But just now while I was sitting here thinking about shower stuff I came up with a completely new and redesigned (read: simple) idea and I think it's become the winner. Ahh I'm really excited about this and I wish i had all the supplies i need to make a sample invitation!
In other news we started our registry the other night, just adding some basic things here and there that don't require knowing baby's sex. Once we find that out we'll go back and finish it up. I'm really excited about this...
Well, alright. Time to stop typing and start writing down my ideas before I forget what they are and end up having to kick myself.
I also figure I won't have to spend much on making the invitations because we have plenty of the brown paper leftover from our wedding invitations..all we'd really need is paper to put the rest of it together..and perhaps another package of envelopes considering I have lots of those left over too. I've been having the same image of what the invitations would look like for quite some time..and considering the only tool I really have is an exacto knife, it would be incredibly difficult to undertake such a detailed project. But just now while I was sitting here thinking about shower stuff I came up with a completely new and redesigned (read: simple) idea and I think it's become the winner. Ahh I'm really excited about this and I wish i had all the supplies i need to make a sample invitation!
In other news we started our registry the other night, just adding some basic things here and there that don't require knowing baby's sex. Once we find that out we'll go back and finish it up. I'm really excited about this...
Well, alright. Time to stop typing and start writing down my ideas before I forget what they are and end up having to kick myself.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
my cup runneth over
It's high time i invest in a larger bra folks. Yet i'm still squeezing into my pre-pregnancy 34B's...why? Because mostly, we're broke and secondly, I have no idea how to shop for bras for pregnant boobs. I still have so much further to go and i have no idea how much bigger they're going to get...or if they'll stay that way or go back down to their normal size. It's confusing shit. Seriously.
They don't necessarily look that much larger, but they're definitely filling out now...in fact the last time we had sex (a million and one years ago) i could tell how much heavier they were because they were bouncing around all over the place...it was a strange experience. And i feel like they've only gotten heavier since then too. Maybe i'm going to be a milk-making machine?? Who knows. The bra i wear everyday now is almost out of commission so today i'm wearing one that i retired a while back because i couldn't bend over without falling out of it. It's quite the nuisance. Bras are so complicated. They really are.
Well, I don't know what else to say other than I wish I had pretty bras that fit comfortably...but since I don't...look at how much bigger they look in this picture i just took via photobooth.
They don't necessarily look that much larger, but they're definitely filling out now...in fact the last time we had sex (a million and one years ago) i could tell how much heavier they were because they were bouncing around all over the place...it was a strange experience. And i feel like they've only gotten heavier since then too. Maybe i'm going to be a milk-making machine?? Who knows. The bra i wear everyday now is almost out of commission so today i'm wearing one that i retired a while back because i couldn't bend over without falling out of it. It's quite the nuisance. Bras are so complicated. They really are.
Well, I don't know what else to say other than I wish I had pretty bras that fit comfortably...but since I don't...look at how much bigger they look in this picture i just took via photobooth.
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