3 months!!!

well, it appears i only ever seem to come on here to post every month. haha go figure...

Evie will be 3 months in just 3 days. time, slow down!!!! i can't believe how fast my sweet angel is growing. ughh!!!!! it makes me so sad, yet so happy to see her change SO MUCH everyday. she's been making all sorts of new noises and coos and it's absolutely the most heart-warming thing ever!! her eyes are still so amazingly bright and blue, i hope they stay that way forever..but who knows. she's started playing with her hands today too. SOOO PRECIOUS!!!! she absolutely adores her cousins, and they her. seriously, they always ask to hold her and are always taking care of her and carrying her around and smothering her in hugs and kisses. but really, who could not love such a sweet beautiful girl?!?!

i seriously am amazed at her beauty...sooo freaking beautiful!

i swear i fall in love with her more and more everyday, i could gush about her for hours on end.

on a sad note, today i was clipping her nails and i snipped the tip of her thumb. OH MY GOD I'VE NEVER FELT SO HORRIBLE! i know it happens to everyone but holy crap i felt like such a monster, a horrible mother!! i was just about in tears too and all i could do was hold her and tell her it was okay and how sorry i was. my poor sweet princess.

almost 2 months

I'm doing a horrible job of keeping up with this thing. mainly because i've had zero time to really be online..but since baby is getting older and keeping herself mostly entertained while she's awake i'm getting alot more internet time..so hopefully i'll start updating more often.

Evie is growing up so fast...it makes me so sad. She's changed sooo much. She is really good with making eye contact, she smiles and giggles all the time, especially at the tv or posters...her two favorite things. She likes to munch on her hand and blow bubbles, and she's been trying to coo for a few weeks now. Ah, i love her so much. She's just the cutest thing in the entire world. She looks more and more like dax and madison everyday, little stinker...

she loves to walk around the house and explore new things too. we're doing really good with breastfeeding, finally learned the correct latch and stuff..but we've been battling with thrush for a few weeks now and its KILLING me. ughhh...i asked her pedi about it but she said its not really thrush right now...but i sooo have all the symptoms..and they make me hurt soooo bad.

okay, well of course now she's awake and screaming her little head off. time to go.

whew

newborns are so hard! i always knew this but it's way different when you're doing it 24/7...nonstop, always being a parent. it's so crazy. i don't want to jinx it but baby is slowly getting better at eating and sleeping more regularly. except sometimes she only sleeps for several hours if she's laying on top of me. so of course i'm not getting good sleep at all. sighhh. one of these days our sleep will be back to normal. :(

i can't believe baby is already a month old. she's growing up so fast.

my 6 week post partum appt is next week, and possibly i may be getting the Mirena IUD implanted as well. we'll see. if so, we'll have birth control for 5 years. crazy.

anyhow i'm tired and i dont feel like typing anymore. eventually i'll get back into the swing of blogging.

oh hello blog

holy crap. i never get this much time to use the internet.

unfortunately this means my child will probably have me up ALL night, again.

so, i figure i'm going to continue writing here when i can because even though i'm not longer growing a fetus, i'm still, in a sense, "growing" my baby by feeding her and whatnot.

and p.s. breastfeeding sucks ass. i don't know how much longer i can do it, but i'm starting to think we're not cut out for this special bonding time. ugh, i hate that i'll feel like a total failure if i decide to give my child formula. damn you breastfeeding nazis for putting that idea into my head.

hooray she's here!

Evie June was born on May 17th @ 1:30 p.m. Weighing in at 6 lbs, 14 oz...and 18.5 in long.

i'll post a birth story later. for now, it's eating time for the munchkin.

i suck at this

i apparently suck at remembering to post belly photos on my freakin' PREGNANCY BLOG. what a dodo.

37 weeks today!!! finally full term! we move to our new huge apartment in 3 days! i had my appointment today and i'm still 1 cm dilated but now i'm 75% effaced...i told dax it went up so much cause of that sexin' we did the other day. oh, prostaglandins!

okay i'll post from weeks 33-37 since i apparently didn't do any of those. whomp. and also i dont like the way blogger posts pictures and baby is kicking the shit out of me for me to care enough to fix stuff..but the pics are going in backwards order. the top one is 37 weeks..and the bottom is 33.

eww!

I'm pretty sure i lost some of my mucous plug today.

pretty gross, i'm not gonna lie...but what can you expect of a PLUG made out of MUCOUS!?

ewww.


on a side note: today is mine and dax's 1 year wedding anniversary. awww.

36 weeks.

i'm 36 weeks today and at my appointment found out i'm 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced!

awesome!

i knew something was up, but wasn't actually expecting to hear that. crazy.

i'll get around to a 36 week picture later on.

so so so so sooo miserable.

seriously. MISERABLE. like...i just want to be put in a coma and never wake up. not even once baby is here. i just feel depressed and angry today.

for the past few days..or weeks..fuck, i can't remember anymore, i've been just feeling so UGH. i'm semi-nauseous 24/7...i'm always hot and sweaty...i'm so tired because i don't sleep well and it just makes me super fucking cranky...my hands and feet hurt because they're retaining water..yet i'm barely swollen at all...like no one but me would be able to tell that i'm slightly swollen. yet it hurts SO bad. my contractions are getting stronger and more uncomfortable and they make me nauseous.
the other night i started having them every 4 minutes and i had really bad PMS type cramps...we called my doctor after i had started timing them and realized they were coming consistently but she said they tend to do that in the end, especially at night..but not to worry about them unless they're still there hours later and if they start hurting worse. they eventually went away almost 4 hours later. i know everytime i woke up in the night i would have one...so i dont know how often i was still having them while i slept, if at all. i know the next day i just felt awful. i don't know how the fuck i'm going to be able to handle moving in a couple of weeks and unpacking and getting all this stuff done. i'm gonna be full term by then so i could easily go into labor..i'm so scared of that happening...especially since i've been feeling so much worse, almost exactly how other women say they feel when they're going into labor soon. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY YET. we're so not ready.

alright well, fuck. now i'm just stressing myself out more and crying.

GREAT.

i finally got a good recording of baby moving...she was like this ALL day. usually she's only like that once or twice a day with other smaller movements throughout the day. oh no...she was going crazy today. if you have your sound up loud enough you'll hear that we were watching arrested development! heheh

p.s. i'll be 35 weeks tomorrow.

Blehhh

Today i had my regular OB appointment. 34 weeks. Everything seems to be going well, but i told her about how whenever i get contractions or anything that causes my blood pressure to rise that i have these other symptoms: my heart and brain feel like they're swelling up, i get these little black dots in my peripheral vision that fly around, and weird geometric, translucent white spots in my line of vision that just kind of fade away, and i'm left with this strange headache afterwards too...

She said it sounded like it could be HELLP syndrome...which she said is basically like preeclampsia without the blood pressure problem. When i was at the doctor i was experiencing all that, yet my BP was fine. So she ordered some labs and got some blood drawn. She said they'd call me with my results later on. I haven't heard back and it's 5 so if they don't call by midday tomorrow i'll call them back.

Normally i'd go back in 2 weeks when i'm 36 weeks but she wants me to come in next week too. I googled HELLP syndrome and it sounds scary. I hope I don't have it because like preeclampsia the only thing that really cures it is to deliver. I'm not ready for that and i don't want to have to deal with this scary crap.

:(

baby looooves music.

baby, everytime i've listened to the thermals you start dancing. how cute! you love the thermals. they're coming right before your due date..it'd be awesome if we could take you, in utero of course, but i don't see that happening.

you also love mates of state. just like your mommy. when we're in the car and i sing, you dance. i can't wait til you're out and you hear these songs and you remember them and they make you happy. hehe. the pack 'n' play we picked out for you has a hookup for our ipods so you're totally always going to be listening to good music. it will be rad.

yesterday was our baby shower. you got lots of awesome things! even some rad homemade things. everyone loves you already!! your "uncle" kim made you some awesome onesies...2 of them are screenprinted to be mates & get up kids onesies. you will look so totally rad in them. and you will be the hippest baby around town. you'll probably be wearing them with your pink converse you got. hehe...daddy wants to get a pair to match you....i don't know about that. and uncle kim says she has tons more to give you too. i can't wait to see what she's made for you.

31 & 32

so i totally slacked on my 31 week picture. so i'm going to post it here with my AWFUL 32 week.

so far everything is still looking good. baby's got a good heartbeat going on...and she's constantly kicking me. i gained 6 pounds since my last visit 2 weeks ago. no biggie though, cause i didn't gain anything during the previous appointment. we go for our hospital tour on saturday!!! and the baby shower is sunday!! i'm so excited!

31 weeks



32 weeks


the digital camera was SO not my friend this week...sooo...i totally photoboothed it. i seriously looked awful.

super freakin' restless.

It must be a mix of the gorgeous weather, and it being the weekend but i'm super freaking restless right now. i want to get out and go DO something. not sit here and watch stupid movies i don't care about. dax's mom is coming by later and is teaching us to cook stuff, so we'll already be pent up in the house during that time. ughhhhhhhhhh. i want to get out while i still can and i'm tied down with a baby at home all alone.

my 30 week appointment was yesterday, usually my appointments are on tuesdays but my doc was out of the office that day so we had to make it friday. i passed my glucose screen with like a 92 or something. yay! that means no gestational diabetes for me.

we bought a childbirth class on dvd via ebay for like 11 bucks. which is awesome because even on amazon, used, it was still like 30 or 40 something. we watched pretty much all of the classes already...the next disc talks about medications and c-sections and forceps and vacuums. eesh. watching that video brought back all that fear about having to actually push a big ol' baby out of my body. i really almost started to cry and have an anxiety attack. i dont know how on earth i'm going to be when it hits me that this is it and it's time to do all the crap i've been learning about. i'm not good in situations like that.

i think i already picked out my focal point for laboring. hehehe. we have a framed picture of chewy on our coffee table and i think it would be the best focal point ever. staring at my baby, whether in real life or a picture, always makes me happy and feel better. i think he'll do a good job of helping me relax. i'm really nervous that when it comes down to it, i'm going to forget everything i've learned. like breathing and all that crap. i tend to be like that with everything. i can learn lots of stuff and tell you how to do it, but when it comes to me actually using it and translating it to my life, i can't do it worth a crap. i don't know why that is.

everyone is getting their invitations and that makes me happy. i can't wait for the shower, it's so soon! however, i do not enjoy being in the spotlight. blehhh. and the day before the shower we have a labor & delivery tour at the hospital. i'm excited about that too.

well, i guess this is all for today. i don't even know why i decided to update this thing.

week 30

There I am at 30 weeks. Today. Looking exhausted as all get out. I've not been sleeping well, waking up what feels like every 10 minutes to readjust because I can't get comfortable in any position. I think it's showing on my face just how exhausted I was today. That makes me sad. Tired Mama. It didn't help that I was out all day on very little rest. I even fell asleep at my mom's, laying on the couch. Sucks that tomorrow I have to work and be up early and the kids are home for Spring Break so that means I can't nap when Jon does.

I'll never not be tired. And I'm afraid i'm just going to start looking old.

We decided on a name, finally. yay!

Evie June Andress is what she will be called.

29 weeks!

so, since i'm doing the weekly belly photo now i figured i might as well post them on my pregnancy blog. makes sense, right??

it's been a week now since my glucose test and i haven't heard back...so i'm realllllly hoping this means i passed and they will just tell me that at my next appointment. i'm still afraid to celebrate though...

since i've been pregnant i've like, stopped sweating. completely. sometimes if i'm hot in the night i wake up with a clammy neck, but i don't sweat. period. it sucks because now i just get really overheated, really easily. but i swear since i've hit that third trimester mark ive been sweating everyday. not like major, horrendous sweating...but tiny little beads of sweat collecting around my face and nose and neck. i guess i'm finally going to be the typical third trimester sweating machine.

anyways, that's about all for now...i think!

Geez,

The closer i get to delivery..the more scared i get about having to ACTUALLY DO things...like, breastfeeding, and cloth diapering. I'm just really afraid of sucking at these things...or something, i don't know. :( I read up and researched different cloth diapers tonight and I feel better about them. Thinking about it doesn't make it seem so hard now--like how the eff do you clean them?? or which would be the best to have all-in-ones, fitted, prefolds with covers. ahh! So stressful.

Now breastfeeding seems like much more of a daunting task. Scary. Like, I'm reading how in the beginning you'll probably make too much milk and both sides will let down while youre feeding so to keep a wash cloth or something for the unused side. Then there's all the stress of not knowing whether or not you'll be able to breastfeed with ease or how baby will respond to it, if they'll be able to latch on or if you're doing it right...or knowing how much your baby is actually getting and all this stuff.

ugh, so stressful. now i'm just scaring myself so i'm going to stop thinking about all this crap.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

28 weeks!

Today marks the day that i've been waiting for. Well one of the days...i'm finally in the freaking third trimester. Looking back, it's gone by so fast...and yet there's still so much more to go! I have approximately 12 weeks left. I want to say hopefully nothing less than 12 weeks because we just won't be ready for her, but we've never been ready for her (seeing how she was a surprise) so it just may be her style to be here early, just like mommy. I guess we'll find out soon enough, let's not rush things.

I had my 28 week appointment today, and with that came the dreaded glucose screening. I've heard such conflicting information about this little test, how awful it is or how it's really not THAT bad. I finally got to see for myself. Doctors offices around the country always seem to have the orange flavored one..but mine was clear and I couldn't quite figure out what it tasted like and what it reminded me of. It definitely was ridiculously sweet, i'm surprised I didn't get a toothache! You have 5 minutes to drink it from when you get it and I took all 5 minutes to do just that. There was no way I could've chugged that crap, Yuck! Halfway through I was tired of it because it was just so sweet. But in all honesty it didn't have a bad flavor to it at all. I felt a little woozy afterwards but not nauseous, and I just kind of spaced out and got really tired. I saw my doctor and she said everything is looking good still, it's awesome that baby is moving so much, and that I come back in 2 weeks. Awesome. That means I go back every two weeks now until I get to like 36 weeks or something and then I go every week until baby is here. Yesss! After that it was an hour since I had drank the glucose drink and they drew my blood and I was done. Dax is coming with me to my next appointment since he didn't come today.

I've been having a ton of stupid braxton hicks contractions. They're such a pain in the ass, no, not literally. They're just super uncomfortable. They seem to happen more often in the evening, and especially if i've been out doing stuff all day. If i'm up walking around I have to stop and hold my belly, and bend over because I can't just keep walking through them. It's the strangest feeling to try and describe. I hope I don't go anywhere in public, alone, and have to do that...I don't want to freak people out with them thinking i'm in labor! How embarrassing!

Alright well, I thought I should post since this is a significant day for me! It's the last milestone (I think) before the big day.

it's silly but

i went to the site that predicts your birth experience. you answer weird random question and then it generates your answer...

here's mine:


The day you deliver, outside will be overcast. Your baby will arrive in the middle of the afternoon. After a labor lasting approximately 8 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 12 pounds, 8 ounces, and will be 19,19-1/2 inches long. This child will have dark brown eyes and a lot of red hair.

i'm hoping the "lady" that predicted this got her hours of labor/baby's weight mixed up! i'd much rather be in labor for 12 hours with an 8 pounder than vice versa! though it's kind of creepy that it did answer with girl, and dark brown eyes...girl is right, and dark brown eyes is a huge possibility. the red hair is not so much, but you never know...my mom has been talking about a red-haired grandbaby for years and has yet to get one...Jon's hair was reddish when he was a baby but turned light brown and is blondish when its shaved off. While no one in my family has red hair now, my grandpa's sisters all had red hair. so i guess it could happen. We'll see!

my 26 week belly pics.i really have nothing new to update with. i'm 26 weeks today...baby is just growing and growing. according to babycenter she's slowly fattening up...getting all her baby fat. hehehe how cute! i hope she gets nice and plump for us. but not too plump.
only like 2 (?) more weeks until the 3rd trimester!!

i hate coming up with title names

So i'm really not enjoying only being in "the mood" when Dax isn't even at home...what the crap is that about?! By time he gets home at night i'm usually tired and just want to sit around. and we both sleep in pretty late and it takes me forever to wake up in the mornings so its not like we could give it a go before he left for work. it's terribly frustrating. Of course I would end up being one of those women whos libidos DON'T go into overdrive when they're pregnant. FIGURES!

Other than being completely sexually frustrated, everything else seems to be going pretty well. My next appointment is tomorrow. Baby seems to be growing faster these days...i'm feeling bigger and bigger. I have to roll over to get out of bed and i have awful bouts of round ligament pain. it's not the least bit fun and hurts cause you never know when it's going to strike. I've also been experiencing awful pains in pretty much all of my ribs on the left side. It's HORRIBLE! so so painful and nothing makes it go away...no pain reliever, no massage. nothing. I don't know if its just sore because baby is getting bigger and my ribs are spreading out..or if its because thats the side they did my spinal fusion on and where they took my rib out and baby is pressing on it or what. But man..i hope its not like this for the rest of pregnancy because i'm pretty sure it'll lead to me crying everyday until she's born. I gotta be sure to bring this up tomorrow. Maybe there's something I can do or take to help with the pain. We'll see.

Welll, I guess this is all for now...If the doctor has anything worth mentioning tomorrow, maybe i'll update with that soon.

Baby, you so crazy.

You really are. You're incredibly picky some days. Before you came into my life I would rule the grocery shopping experience by telling Daddy that "no, we can't get white bread! it's so bad for you...whole grain wheat only!" and "no, don't get this kind of juice, it's got high fructose corn syrup...buy this fancy organic kind instead." and many other things along those lines. Then I got pregnant with you and I swear you made me have the same stomach as your Daddy. I only wanted to eat the things less nutritious for you..and I could never say no to a sugary snack. I've eaten so much sugar with you i swear you may come out with a glaze of pure sugar! Mmm, delicious!!

Now that i've been feeling better all around i've reaquired my taste for healthier options, but there are still some things that gross me out. That makes me sad. Oh well, it won't be long before I become the whole grain-only, high fructose corn syrup-free, artificial sweetener-free nazi again.

Also, I wish you would stop waking me up really early because you're hungry. You're going to do this enough once you're born, and since you're not born right now you being hungry means i'm hungry. Which means I have to feed myself, and when mommy is really tired from not being comfortable enough to sleep, she really has no desire to search the kitchen frantically, in the dark, to find something satisfying and easy just so she can go back to sleep.

Mommy also doesn't appreciate you kicking her when she lays on her stomach. This is the only way mommy can really get comfortable and when she can't even lay that way because you don't want her to, she gets very angry and frustrated because she's just so tired and wants to rest.

Well, alright baby...This is really all I wanted to say. When Daddy gets home we're probably going to talk about what we're going to name you, for the millionth time.

Love you.

To our little growing ball of preciousness

Dear Baby Girl,

Today, history was made. Our 44th President was inaugurated, and for the first time in my life as a knowledgeable person of society, I was proud to be American. For the first time I cared enough to watch on my own time as our first African-American President was inaugurated and the people of our country breathed a sigh of relief. Possibly, even people around the world felt this too.

I sat here with our laptop just below my belly, where you stay so nestled and warm, and choked back tears watching the live coverage of history in the making. Our history. The history you will one day go to school to learn all about and you'll come home and i'll tell you all about how you were just a mere 22 weeks along in the process of becoming another member of society. And how you sat perfectly still during the entire proceedings (which you never do, by the way) as if you were listening to your first president make a beautiful and momentous speech, addressing his country with love and hope. And how after all of this, you started bounching around and kicking with such fervor that I thought you must've already known how important this day was. That you wanted to sit still and listen to him, drink in what he had to say..and then rejoice along with the rest of the country when it was said and done.

I hope one day that you will understand how important is it for me to bring you into a country that's starting anew, right now, today. One that's finally saving the world for you and your future generations. One that you can grow up in and be proud to say that Barack Obama was president when you were born.

Love,

Mommy

baby girl andress

so, i had my ultrasound on thursday and the tech said he was pretty positive it's a girl! let's hope he's right!!

and for now, baby's first pictures!

babies babies, everywhere

There's seriously a baby epidemic going on!!! If i was an epidemiologist i would declare this as a real epidemic!! in fact, i may actually become one just to do it, and then get fired..but it'll be okay because i just wanted to declare that one epidemic!

But seriously, EVERYONE is having babies all of a sudden! Let's count off how many people i know, or sort of know, or know by association that's suddenly expecting...

1.ME
2.my friend melissa's older sister is due like a week before me.
3.my friend ricky's older sister is due in august.
4.dax's aunt is due in june.
5.this guy dax knows is engaged and having a baby like a week before me.
6.dax's friend from hot topic and his wife are having one too, but i dont know when.
7.one of dax's friends from abilene is pregnant and getting married soon.
8.brian and sara are having another baby
9.a friend of the family's daughter is expecting as well.
10.kelly's sister is pregnant now.
11.one of dax's mom's friend's daughters is pregnant too.
12. i just found out my cousin's wife is pregnant as well!

hmm...i think that's it i feel like i'm leaving someone out...but seriously! that's way too many people to know that are all of a sudden having babies. how crazy!

pregnancy dreams

We've all heard how being pregnant can make you have some truly bizarre dreams. I honestly have no idea why, but it's sometimes fun to have them, especially for me because normally i very very rarely get to remember my dreams. Except for a while i was having a series of dreams where Dax was constantly hitting on/seeing his ex girlfriend and doing it right in front of me! ugh, those dreams were awful. anyways...

Last night I had a bad dream. At first it took place in what looked alot like my old neighborhood/street. I can't remember who now, but someone in my dream came up and told me about this woman who lived in our neighborhood was going around out streets with like a clipboard or something and was asking neighbors questions and then at the end she would stab them like right in the center of their bodies, basically right at the top of where your stomach starts. It was insane! I was at this persons house when they told me this and I had to walk back to my house (which was my old house btw) and I remember that I was never really walking in my dream..but rather floating along but yet i was kind of bouncing as if i were skipping. I remember going really slow too and thinking in my dream how I wished I could hurry up because I passed that murdering neighbor on my way home. I never made it to my old house I don't think..but now that I think about it I remember being there at some point but I dont remember what happened. Anyways the next thing I remember is that I was apparently at my friend Aubrey's house (i've known her since i was 11 and she played soccer) and there were a bunch of other girls hanging around as if it were a locker room...and then the murdering neighbor lady suddenly was there, but she was no longer the clipboard-toting woman from before...She had transformed into one of the girls basketball coaches from my high school..only here in the dream she was the soccer coach. Yet in my dream I didn't think she wasn't the right woman..I just knew that now this was how the murderer looked. And I was leaning over Aubrey while she sat at a computer and was telling her about how she's killing people and not to trust her and stuff. Then the next thing I remember is I'm at a different house which is apparently one of my aunt's houses and my cousin Michele is there and she's telling me how it's our Aunt Rosie who is murdering people this same way. So yet again the "murderer" in my dream has transformed into someone completely different. I remember being this little back room area at the house and there was an extra fridge back there and my cousin had stocked it full of frozen casseroles she had made and had stuck a piece of paper to the fridge labeling them "Blonde Bitch" so everyone would know they were hers. Why blonde bitch? Don't ask me, my cousin is certainly not blonde. And at some point right after that my aunt found out we were talking about her and then my alarm went off...So I can't really remember what else may have happened or if anything else did happen at all. It literally was the most scary/bizarre dream i've ever had. I remember waking up and feeling a little afraid...

I know how some of those things came into play though..Like the old coach from my school, I guess she was in my dream because I keep seeing her picture on facebook because of this girl I know is friends with her and always has pictures of her and her baby up...and my Aunt because my sister was talking about her yesterday...and "blonde bitch" because we were watching house and they call one of the girls cutthroat bitch..and she's blonde...but everything else is a big mystery. It's really crazy the way our brains work while were sleeping. A little too crazy for my liking too. Oh yea at some point I also had a dream that dax got fired from his job and he was crying..but I don't believe it was part of that long scary dream. It was very sad though.

UGH.

today should be an awesome and good day, it was at first. I found out I can go to my appointment tomorrow, and I have an appointment to get on WIC at the end of the month. I was ecstatic up until i finished reading the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I already knew 98% of what i was reading..but having to really sit down and face these things and having realizations fucking sucks ass.

So now i sit here crying, because I don't want to let go of the "woman" i've been since i've hit puberty. (I'm totally only meaning it in the physical sense) I don't want to change and become worse or uglier, I have a hard enough time now and before i was pregnant dealing with my body in a sexual sense. Ive never thought i was attractive or was ready and eager to strip down naked...I hate my body and don't like anyone looking at it, especially not my own husband. Stupid? probably, ridiculous? of course..but this is just who i am...There isn't anyway to fix that..or atleast not without the help of a really good therapist maybe. I don't know why i've been this way but I have a feeling its not going to get any better when my body changes for the worse, for good.

It's not fair that things down there just won't ever be like they used to..they'll be used and awful and i'm determined to make Dax understand that whether he wants to believe it or not. It's not fair that my poor nipples are never going to go back to their previous coloring, I knew they'd get darker during pregnancy, but no one told me they'd stay that way forever. I'm disgusted by them now...I hate taking my shirt off to get in the shower or change...I won't even let dax turn the light on to see me because i swear he'll be just as disgusted as me, and why shouldn't he? i'm becoming a mother...there's nothing attractive about mothers. I don't feel like i'm going to be his young wife that he thinks is hot, i now just associate pregnancy and being a mother with being old and flabby..everywhere. It's not fair, why can't any part of his sexuality change? Why is it that i'm the one that has to become even more fucking hideous. It's not like i ever had a hot body to begin with, but now it's just going to be the worst its ever been and i don't know why he would ever be attracted to that. If i had really sat down and thought about what would happen to me during this whole ordeal, i can guarantee you i would've had my uterus taken out years ago.

Sure it'll be worth it in the end when we have an awesome baby..but that baby is going to do nothing to help my already suffering self-esteem and i didn't want this in the first place so a baby is not really a selling point for me. it's hard not to think that he could just go off and be way more easily turned on by the mounds of exgirlfriends he has that are already way better looking than me..and haven't shoved anything from their privates so their's are still nicely intact and attractive. I really hope something comes up, and i end up having a c-section. i'm not womanly or brave enough to deal with a loose vagina for the rest of my life, and having to constantly wonder if my husband is just telling me its still good just because he's being nice.

I want to find a book on pregnancy that's going to denounce what all these other books and articles say..that my nipples will return to normal, and that my boobs will definitely go back to exactly the way they were..and my vagina and its surrounding bits and pieces will be none the wiser that anything will have happened to them...or that any change will be so slight that it'll be impossible for yourself or especially your husband to notice the difference. When i bought the girlfriend's guice to pregnancy the girl at the register said it was the best pregnancy book..what she failed to mention was that it was the best at psyching you out and making you sit here and cry because it lets you in on all the awful things that WILL undoubtedly happen to you and that there's nothing you can do about it. I don't know whether or not i would've wanted to be filled in on these "enlightenments" or have been left in the dark to hopefully not notice them and end up dwelling on them for the next 45 years.

jumping belly beans

Baby has been moving quite abundantly lately. I mean ALOT. I can lay on the couch and watch my stomach jump around all over the place. It's crazy and sometimes it moves so hard it's hard not to laugh cause it's just so strange. Even the past few days as soon as I wake up, there's baby kicking and stretching too. I know it's not awake while i'm in the process of waking up because those subtle kicks and jabs while i'm barely asleep would surely wake me up for good...so I don't know how it knows when i'm awake. But it's kinda cute to think about, it knows i'm awake and wants to start it's day too.

My insurance card has yet to come in the mail, so if it doesn't come on Monday i'm completely screwed. This means I'll have to cancel yet another appointment. So damn lame. Plus Dax has already taken off of work and I don't know how easy it would be to be able to change it back so he won't have to work on Saturday instead.

I've noticed i'm becoming more nauseated again off and on...I don't like it or appreciate it one bit. I have no idea why it's there either, but it sucks ass. It took us 2 hours to get home from Dallas because being a passenger in the car just about killed me. We finally tried me driving home and it worked. Last time I got that bad driving didn't help at all, but sitting behind Dax across the backseat was what helped. It makes me want to never drive anywhere too far away again.

Tomorrow i'm going to call about getting on WIC, that should be neat. On their website it said that anyone that already qualifies for Medicaid and things like that automatically meets the requirements for WIC, so that's good. And, they can help you get into other programs too, which would be beneficial for when we try to figure out how to apply for baby's medicaid.

So it looks like my baby shower is going to be on Sunday April 5th. We just need to get the clubhouse reserved for that day. I wish our apartments had one to rent out, all we could rent out is the outdoor fire pit, and we're not doing that...
I started making the invitations the other day- Cute brown felt birds with yellow stitching on cream cardstock. I think they look quite precious and I'm quite proud of the way they've turned out. I just need to figure out what the inside will look like and hope I don't screw them up.

Well, I guess this is about all the news and updates I have for now. Chewy and I need to eat breakfast. Let's hope I can go to my appointment on Tuesday, because I really need it.

feelin' crafty...

So basically, since the moment i've found out I was pregnant I've had my baby shower theme picked out and have been getting all sorts of ideas for invitation designs. I wanted to design and make my own because there aren't many easily accessible, unique baby shower invitations out there, and anywhere you go they're basically all the same-pink or blue. Since i'm not the type of gal that settles for basics and typicals, I let my creative side take over. Well, what little bit of a creative side I have, that is. All along i've had it in my head that I want the colors to be dark chocolate brown with an antique-ish golden yellow...there's really no other way to explain that color and i'm awful at remembering good color names. Oh, and I also decided it must be bird-themed. In my head the whole thing has a very vintage feel to it.

I also figure I won't have to spend much on making the invitations because we have plenty of the brown paper leftover from our wedding invitations..all we'd really need is paper to put the rest of it together..and perhaps another package of envelopes considering I have lots of those left over too. I've been having the same image of what the invitations would look like for quite some time..and considering the only tool I really have is an exacto knife, it would be incredibly difficult to undertake such a detailed project. But just now while I was sitting here thinking about shower stuff I came up with a completely new and redesigned (read: simple) idea and I think it's become the winner. Ahh I'm really excited about this and I wish i had all the supplies i need to make a sample invitation!

In other news we started our registry the other night, just adding some basic things here and there that don't require knowing baby's sex. Once we find that out we'll go back and finish it up. I'm really excited about this...

Well, alright. Time to stop typing and start writing down my ideas before I forget what they are and end up having to kick myself.

my cup runneth over

It's high time i invest in a larger bra folks. Yet i'm still squeezing into my pre-pregnancy 34B's...why? Because mostly, we're broke and secondly, I have no idea how to shop for bras for pregnant boobs. I still have so much further to go and i have no idea how much bigger they're going to get...or if they'll stay that way or go back down to their normal size. It's confusing shit. Seriously.

They don't necessarily look that much larger, but they're definitely filling out now...in fact the last time we had sex (a million and one years ago) i could tell how much heavier they were because they were bouncing around all over the place...it was a strange experience. And i feel like they've only gotten heavier since then too. Maybe i'm going to be a milk-making machine?? Who knows. The bra i wear everyday now is almost out of commission so today i'm wearing one that i retired a while back because i couldn't bend over without falling out of it. It's quite the nuisance. Bras are so complicated. They really are.

Well, I don't know what else to say other than I wish I had pretty bras that fit comfortably...but since I don't...look at how much bigger they look in this picture i just took via photobooth.