UGH.

today should be an awesome and good day, it was at first. I found out I can go to my appointment tomorrow, and I have an appointment to get on WIC at the end of the month. I was ecstatic up until i finished reading the girlfriend's guide to pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I already knew 98% of what i was reading..but having to really sit down and face these things and having realizations fucking sucks ass.

So now i sit here crying, because I don't want to let go of the "woman" i've been since i've hit puberty. (I'm totally only meaning it in the physical sense) I don't want to change and become worse or uglier, I have a hard enough time now and before i was pregnant dealing with my body in a sexual sense. Ive never thought i was attractive or was ready and eager to strip down naked...I hate my body and don't like anyone looking at it, especially not my own husband. Stupid? probably, ridiculous? of course..but this is just who i am...There isn't anyway to fix that..or atleast not without the help of a really good therapist maybe. I don't know why i've been this way but I have a feeling its not going to get any better when my body changes for the worse, for good.

It's not fair that things down there just won't ever be like they used to..they'll be used and awful and i'm determined to make Dax understand that whether he wants to believe it or not. It's not fair that my poor nipples are never going to go back to their previous coloring, I knew they'd get darker during pregnancy, but no one told me they'd stay that way forever. I'm disgusted by them now...I hate taking my shirt off to get in the shower or change...I won't even let dax turn the light on to see me because i swear he'll be just as disgusted as me, and why shouldn't he? i'm becoming a mother...there's nothing attractive about mothers. I don't feel like i'm going to be his young wife that he thinks is hot, i now just associate pregnancy and being a mother with being old and flabby..everywhere. It's not fair, why can't any part of his sexuality change? Why is it that i'm the one that has to become even more fucking hideous. It's not like i ever had a hot body to begin with, but now it's just going to be the worst its ever been and i don't know why he would ever be attracted to that. If i had really sat down and thought about what would happen to me during this whole ordeal, i can guarantee you i would've had my uterus taken out years ago.

Sure it'll be worth it in the end when we have an awesome baby..but that baby is going to do nothing to help my already suffering self-esteem and i didn't want this in the first place so a baby is not really a selling point for me. it's hard not to think that he could just go off and be way more easily turned on by the mounds of exgirlfriends he has that are already way better looking than me..and haven't shoved anything from their privates so their's are still nicely intact and attractive. I really hope something comes up, and i end up having a c-section. i'm not womanly or brave enough to deal with a loose vagina for the rest of my life, and having to constantly wonder if my husband is just telling me its still good just because he's being nice.

I want to find a book on pregnancy that's going to denounce what all these other books and articles say..that my nipples will return to normal, and that my boobs will definitely go back to exactly the way they were..and my vagina and its surrounding bits and pieces will be none the wiser that anything will have happened to them...or that any change will be so slight that it'll be impossible for yourself or especially your husband to notice the difference. When i bought the girlfriend's guice to pregnancy the girl at the register said it was the best pregnancy book..what she failed to mention was that it was the best at psyching you out and making you sit here and cry because it lets you in on all the awful things that WILL undoubtedly happen to you and that there's nothing you can do about it. I don't know whether or not i would've wanted to be filled in on these "enlightenments" or have been left in the dark to hopefully not notice them and end up dwelling on them for the next 45 years.